Who Should I Believe?

For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him! [Isaiah 64.4] 

Five years ago today, I wrote the article Wait For God (God Alone). In that article, I was transparent about a physical infirmity in my body for which I had committed to trust God alone to heal. The physical infirmity I referred to is a chronically stiff and painful neck. 

Since writing the abovementioned 2021 article, my neck has become even less moveable and more painful - I am effectively disabled as far as being able to turn my head in normal movement. I am in great pain even as I write this article today. I am in a deep struggle not to feel sorry for myself. 

I want so much to lash out at someone or something. I am constantly fighting off thoughts that the Bible is a lie and that God doesn't give a rat's ass about my condition even though everything I read in the Bible says otherwise. Yes, I have struggled with all manner of sin, unforgiveness, selfishness, lust, hate, and pride - but I persist to confess my faithlessness to God in repentance taking hope that He is indeed merciful and gracious and has given Jesus on my behalf. I have purposefully tried to focus on praying and interceding for others, trusting that God knows my own condition and wills me well.

By insisting that I will trust God alone as my Healer, I have "put off" many a sincere well-wisher who has encouraged me instead that 'God uses medicine' and that I should "see a doctor." However, if the Bible suggests that God indeed uses anything else, my eyes are completely blind to it. All I can see is that God wants my undivided trust in Him alone. I have been as jealous to defend His name in that regard as much as the Bible says He is jealous for my undivided faith. And yet, my disability worsens.

I feel alone, but the Bible says God is with me. I feel like a fool, but the Bible says God seeks those who trust Him alone. I feel more incapacitated daily, but the Bible says I am an overcomer. I feel unworthy and dirty, but the Bible says I am forgiven.

Am I indeed a fool to keep waiting on God? The Bible says I am not... The alternative is to do something for myself...

Who should I believe? I will believe in God through His Son, Jesus Christ. My help comes from Him.

Father in heaven, as Jesus hung naked on the Cross on my behalf, I bare myself before You today on my own cross - I am vulnerable and have nothing to hide. I just want to wait for You. I want Your Word to be proven true in my life. I want Your Word to be proven true in my death. I want Your Word to be proven true in my resurrection. I just want You. Be glorified in me. So be it.